Never Mind The Ologs, by The Bricks (2024)

1.

Chorus 1 Let's write a Satirical Viking Folk SongLet's make it the best we've ever doneLet's write a Satirical Viking Folk SongAnd take the p*** out of everyoneVerse 1 It's got to appeal to xenophobicsIt's got infringe your civil rightsIt's got to claim that elves have no dicksAnd start a lot of pointless fights And it's got to have a bit where Thorkal shows off his guitar skills... Chorus 2 Let's write a Satirical Viking Folk SongLet's give those Norscan boys a laughLet's write a Satirical Viking Folk SongIt can be our epitaphVerse 2 It's got to have at least one verse entirely, Devoted to slagging off the drow, Because we think they're twisted and evil and slimy, But they probably know that by now, And it's got to have a bit where we all shout "Let's Stab 'em Up!!" Chorus 1 Verse 3 It's got to have a lot of double entendres, To thrill the privates on parade, But we don't care if they're single entendres, Just as long as it get's us laid, And it's got to have a joke about wood... Chorus 2 Verse 4 It's got to have a lot of bad rhymes, It's got to have lines that don't quite fit into the space available, It's got to have grammatical word crimes, It's got to have jokes that aren't quite saleable, And it's got to have a bit with a dog..... Chorus 1 Verse 5 It's got to have a verse all about Lester, Where he tells the story of his life, It's got to rhyme with fester, jester, depresseder, tester and ancestor, And complain about his former wife, And it's got to have a bit where he insults the audience... Chorus 2 Verse 6 It's got to insult the other factions, Like the Bears, Harts, Lions, Dragons, Gryphons, Jackals, Unicorns and Drow, Once upon a time it would have been the Vipers, But apparently they're all on our side now, And it's got to have a bit that goes in this bit..... Chorus 1

2.

I'll Whip Out My Tools, If You'll Help Me Get Wood, Together We Can Make Something Good. And I'll Roll Up My Sleeves, If You'll Pull Back My Hood, It's Kind Of Stiff So You'll Have To tug It Good. Chorus This Is A Song About Carpentry, All The Wonderful Things You Can Make From A Tree, Just Add Some Hinges, Some Handles And Some Locks Then We Can Admire Your Stunning Box. I'll Hammer It In Hard, If You Show Me The Spot, Then I'll Neatly Dovetail It Into The Slot. To Finish It Off Nice, I'll Use My Tongue-In-Groove, And Wax It Up So It Slips In Nice And Smooth. - Chorus - I'll Loosen Up Your Drawers, If You Show Me Your Chest An Oiling And A Rub-Down Does It Best Oak Is Really Hard, And Maple's Really Fine But If You're Good I'll Let You Stroke My Pine - Chorus -

3.

What's the first thing that you can remember, What's the first thing that caught your eye? Well for me it was a pair of shirt potatoes, Now I'll have a breast fixation till the day that I die! CHORUS 'Cause you can joggle them, you can jiggle them, you can wobble them, you can wiggle them, you can put your head between them and go <Make (in)appropriate flubbing sound here> You can grab them, you can grope them, you can stroke them, you can soap them, they're a man's best friend,Norks, norks, norks, norks norks! They're second to none as a beverage dispenser, And babies latch on to them with exuberance, So if there's nothing in the fridge, and you take your coffee white, Then grab a mammalian protruberance! - Chorus - Small, perky, pert ones are a joy to behold, But you can't beat a cracking bit of cleavage, You get pink ones, you get brown ones, You get yellow ones, you get green ones, But I don't mind the colour just as long as there's heavage - Chorus - They're wabs, they're globes, they're funbags, They're jubblies, they're bazookas, They're dairy pillows, melons, they are chesticles, They're udders, orbs, they're puppies, They're outdoor lungs, they're knockers, And they make me feel all fuzzy in my... heart.... - Chorus -

4.

I'm sick and tired of all these bullies getting on my caseThey tease me 'cos I live with mum, and kick sand in my faceGonna show them all who's boss, I'm gonna live the dreamAnd I'll become the most amazing creature ever seenI'm a puny mortal meatsack, as I've become awareSo step one of my master plan is to become a WereI'll dress up as a little girl, put on my riding hoodSkip along the forest path, right through the scary woodWhen the nasty werewolf leaps out, his big teeth I'll admireI'll get bit and nearly be a WereapalalockapireWereapalalockapire, WereapalalockapireWhen I become one I will be a hit with all the ladiesWereapalalockapire, WereapalalockapireI wanted power, all I got was fleas and bloody rabiesNext up I need vampires, those creatures of the nightBut how to make the walking dead walk up and take a bite?I'll wear black clothes, become Emo, say "Yeah, I'm pretty dark"And if I cut my wrists the blood attracts them like a sharkI'll bare my neck and not complain as they stick their fangs inI'll get bit and nearly be a VampawerealockadinVampawerealockadin, VampawerealockadinWhen I'm one the girls will say that I could not be dreamierVampawerealockadin, VampawerealockadinI wanted power, all I got was sodding septicemiaNow to be a paladin - gosh darn, I am persistent!I guess you make them bite you too? Well that would be consistentThis one's a bit trickier, so I'll think la-ter-al-lyI'll dress like a communion wafer, they'll bite right into meI'll be fitter, stronger, faster - oh yes, I'll really rockI'll get bit and nearly be a PalavampawerealockPalavampawerealock, PalavampawerealockThere's nothing left to stop me now in my quest for betternessPalavampawerealock, PalavampawerealockHis rusty armour's only gone and gave me frigging tetanusFinally the warlocks, the trickiest of allIt's hard to make them bite you, they'll just magebolt you in the... headI guess I'll just sneak up on one, but before things can go southI'll take a running jump and hurl myself at their mouthThen I will be awesome, and I'll live without a careI'll get bit and then I'll be a WaravampapalawereWaravampapalawere, WaravampapalawereI'll crush my foes right underfoot, my enemies I'll smashWaravampapalawere, WaravampapalawereJust as soon as I've cleared up this unspecified rashJust as soon as I've cleared up this unspecified rash

5.

I was in my cell doing five to eightWhen they introduced my new cellmateWith skin as green as gangrene on a frogHe said "I need to save my goblin hideOr this time tomorrow I'll be friedBut we need to get past three guards and a dogHe said "close your eyes so you can't seeI'm going to throw a shape or threeMy sexy goblin dance will set us free"When I opened up my eyesThe dog was bald and paralysedAnd the guards had checked into therapyCHORUSGoblin sexy danceErect a bell tent in your pantsSexy danceYour retinas won't stand a chanceSexy danceWhat's been seen can't be unseenSexy dance, sexy dance, sexy dance, sexy danceOnce you've gone green you'll never get cleanWe were out of jail and on the runWhen a vampire tried to spoil our funHe said "I'm going to suck your jugular"I said "I'm a bard and he's a goblinWe don't know the first thing about juggling"And the vampire said "No! I said JugUlar!"As the vampire made his moveThe goblin got into his grooveI used my cloak to cover up my faceHe kicked his heels and took some namesThe vampire burst out into flamesAnd left a pile of teeth and burning laceCHORUSWe holed up in a deep, dark mineHoping we could buy some timeBut a black and silver rockfall blocked our wayIt landed with a might splatWhen we poked it, it was quivering fatA matron mother out to spoil our dayWe couldn't get through, couldn't get aroundThen the goblin's toes made a tapping soundAs he bust his moves the drow began to droolHer loins were lusting and her bra was bustingAs she gazed at his disgusting thrustingWhen he was done there was just an inky poolCHORUSFound a carnival on the edge of townWith a bearded lady and a scary clownThey chased us from the freak show to a tentWe ducked inside for a place to hideBut we were surrounded on all sidesBy creatures that were tall and thin and bentHe began to twist and spinBut so did his distorted twinIn the Hall of Mirrors, the goblin met his matchHe fell in love with his reflected selfAnd morphed into a prancing elfI snuck out and left him in his sticky patchCHORUSOnce you've gone green you'll never get cleanUnless you preen like an elven queen

6.

There's nothing we love moreThan to sit together and drinkAnd sing til our voices are rawAbout any old guff we can thinkSo we really should have a songOf the joys of imbibing aleAll the drunkards could sing alongBut we've tried and we've tried and we've failedCHORUS:We don't know how to writeA proper drinking song'Cos we've been drunk all nightBeen quaffing all day longOur heads are spinning roundOur legs can't seem to steerThe only cure we've foundIs to have another beerWe'll drink you under the tableWe'll drink you under the chairWe'll drink twice as much as you're ableBut we don't have tune we can shareOur bards are all down the boozerThey're drinking all they can takeErdrejaVision Song Contest losersAnd that was their fatal mistakeCHORUSWe're hammered, we're spannered, we're sozzled, we're smashedWe're seeing pink elephants, we're rather mashedWe're trousered, we're starfished, we're quite worse for wearWe're twisted, we're legless, we're too gone to careOur livers are losing, our balance is shotWe're needing the toilet rather a lotWe're ratted, we're battered, we're reeking of boozeWe've got beer on our trousers and puke on our shoesCHORUS

7.

Woke up this morning, my face was blackOnly thing that I could feel was the whip across my backLooked in the mirror - where is my hair?What's with this silver mullet? How did that get there?Ow! I don't know howBut I think I've turned into a drowGonna have to move underground, 'cos I can't stand the lightMight as well sell my axe and shield, 'cos I've forgotten how to fightFeeling kinda lonely 'cos I lost all my friendsExcept for Vlad and Kara, and I think Kara just pretendsOw! What do I do now?I think I've turned into a drowSpending all my money on purple leather and silver threadHard-nosed women in black corsets keep messing with my headI don't wanna stop being Norscan 'cos I've got so much to loseI hate living life as a dark elf, I've got the Underdark BluesOw! Holy cow!It really sucks being a drowOw! Stab me now!I don't wanna be a drow

8.

CHORUS It's just a tad too nippy in Siberja, And uncomfortably humid in Cathay, Its far too overcrowded out in Nihon, For a Norscan Skald to spend his holiday. Oh where in Erdreja can I take my holiday? I'm getting tired of Norsca and I need to get away I once went walking in the hills of Cymrja, But the sheep followed me back to my hotel, I avoid the travel agencies in Norhault, And the rip-off package holidays they sell. The problem with Estragales is the Estragalians, How men can talk so queer is hard to see, In Teutonia if you're human and still breathing, Then you're an ethnic minority. CHORUS In the underdark they've got it topsy turvy, With the woman literally hitting on the man, I tried a touring holiday in Erin, But the thieving gyppos pinched my caravan. I spent last hogmanay in Caledonia, Now the smell of vomit lingers on my clothes, Perhaps I should have tea and scones in Albion, But the constant whingeing gets right up my nose. CHORUS I could stroll the fine piazza's of Sicilja, If I liked to see statues of naked men, I could risk it all by sailing to Aegyptus, But I might not ever make it back again. I was invited to pop in and see some Lions, When I arrived they'd all moved out again, I've spent some working holidays in Orkney, But I want leisure time, not fighting in the rain. CHORUS So now I'll take my holidays in Graecia, Sampling the olives and the wine, I'm sure I'll be a hit with all the ladies, For their men are short, bald, malodorous swine. My longship will put in at every island, I'll look at ancient ruins for a while, And when I've finished topping up my suntan, I'll head back to sweet Norsca with a smile. CHORUS (with the last 2 lines changed to) "Only in Graecia will I take my holiday, I'm getting tired of Norsca and I need to get away"

9.

This happens more often than you'd like to thinkAn unfortunate traveller in need of a drinkBut as I propped up the bar at the Weasel and StoatImploring the landlord to moisten my throatHe said "there's no way I'll pour you a beeryou've more than outstayed your welcome hereyour pockets are as empty as the space in your headand your bar tab is bigger than, well, your head"A shifty-looking fellow sidled up to the barHe said "stick with me kid, and you will go faryou see, I'm a demon, and if you scratch my backI'll scratch yours in return and give you what you lack"CHORUS: FEALTYDo you want power, do you want might?Do you want a different lady every night?Do you want diamonds that sparkle like fire?Just give me your fealty, say what you desireI said "I'll give you my fealty, I'll sign on the lineBut there's just one thing I want to be mineA flagon of ale to quench my thirstYou'll get what you want if I get that first"The demon grinned and said "Is that all?You could have been rich, I think you dropped the ball"He clapped his hands, and before I could blinkThe barman served me a tasty fresh drinkI downed it in one and then I licked my lipsThe demon stood there with his hands on his hipsI said "Hey, demon! Now we've made an exchangewhy not make another? What can you arrange?"CHORUS: MIND"You are a fool" he cried "just one more pint of ale?I have your mind and you're completely made of fail"I said "of all I've lost, I miss my mind the leastso conjure up my pint, you big demonic beast"My bloodstream filled with alcohol, my head filled up with dreamsThe demon spawned a twin (or at least that's how it seemed)The room began to spin around, but I was not afraidI said "Hey, Mr. Demon, how about another trade?"CHORUS: BODYHe said "Your body, mind and fealty all belong to me!"I said "Check out the Demon Code, subsection 14B"I paused to sup down my ale, to quench my thirst"All contracts are void if another demon got there first"My beer armour protects me, gives me courage to defendMy body, mind and fealty belong to a dear old friendThe stranger knew I had him, his heart began to sink'cos I've already been consumed by the demon they call drinkThe demon slinked away, tail between his legsI watched him go as I drank the final dregsThe landlord said "I like your style, you've courage and you've nousefrom now until forever, your drinks are on the house!"I don't want power, and I don't want mightI don't want a different lady every nightI don't want diamonds that sparkle like fireThere's only one thing I truly desireI won't give you anything, won't sign on the lineI'll just sit here drinking until the end of timeAn ocean of ale to quench my thirstI'll drink what I want until I'm fit to burst

10.

CHORUSMead halls and shield walls, Norscan, Norscan,Axe blades and night raids, Norscan, Norscan,I think that you'll find if you're not out of your mind,That Everything Good is Norscan.Tea is actually, just a mineralThat they mine in Vanaheim, by the bucketfulIn a soup it cures the droop,And puts the lead back in your pencil,So we cart it to the Harts,And they drink it by the potful,But the mines are almost empty now,We've dug so deep we've hit drow,And soon when all the tea is gone,There'll be no more fun in AlbionCHORUSKilts are really built out in Orkneyjar,As fashion-wear for ladies fair of Caledonia,Naked knees are sure to please if they're not knobbly or hairy,So they take all we can make and the volumes are quite scary,Enough for half the population of the Caledonian nation,But their women are quite rare in them,'Cause their men are always wearing them.CHORUSPyramids are made by kids from southern Jotunheim,A skill they teach down on the beach with blocks of sand and lime,A bright Year Nine sold the design to the Queen of the Aegyptians,They build them tall, then wreck them all,With their wierd picture inscriptions,They seal their gold up in a tomb that's hidden in a secret room,But the Norscan schoolboy rubs his hands,'Cause the room is marked up on his plans.CHORUS

11.

Welcome to Teutonia, it's a green and pleasant landwith and friendly people who can always lend a handAs you get to] know us, your love for us will growThough there are some things about us that maybe you should knowWe'd always hurt a fly and say Boo to a gooseWe'd give your mum a wedgie and we don't need an excuseWe'd steal candy from a baby, and trample on it's toysyou ask us who we are, we say ALL THE BOYS - VIPER BOYS!Our diverse ethnic culture is progressive and it's coolAnd our students are the brightest due to our amazing schoolsOur new taxation system is egalitarianBut there's some stuff about us that you should understandWe'd take a fluffy bunny, and put it on the boilWe'll stick a knife into your back and a flag into your soilIf you can't sleep at night, it's us - we're making noiseWe'll tell you who we are we are ALL THE BOYS - VIPER BOYS!The friendly, lush black forest is an awe-inspiring sightTo which tourists flock in droves for a chance to spend the nightThe Reiskarg ritual cirlce is good clean harmless funBut there's bits we want to mention before this song is doneWe're not up before dawn 'cos we're stabbing up til lateYou're either brave or stupid if you wander through our gateWe just can't keep a count of the Prince Bishops we've destroyedYou all know who we are, we are ALL THE BOYS - VIPER BOYS!Go roaming in the Blood Marshes, they’re really to die forAnd the fine beaches of Lecce should be part of every tourWe’ve been busy refurbishing the lovely town of BeckBut if you want to mess with us, best keep yourself in checkWe'll rain down hails of mage bolts from our fine moral high groundThe only thing dividing us is what's best: Green or Brown?Destroying the Akari and Empire gave us joyYou’d best know who we are, we are ALL THE BOYS - VIPER BOYS!So now you know Teutonia is better than your placeDo you have a faction leader who can shred and melt your face?

12.

Who's that warrior, with the hammer and the shield?Will of iron encased in burnished steelFore-arms like his aroma are both equally strongBeard down to his ankles, which admittedly's not that longCHORUS:Facial hair, manners of a bearFour foot stature and a thousand-yard stareBut when he's fighting at your shoulder (hip!) you just don't care'cos he's a dwarfHe's a dwarf! (he's a dwarf, he's a dwarf, he's a dwarf)He's a dwarf! (he's a dwarf, he's a very dwarfy dwarf)He's a dwarf! (he's a dwarf, he's a dwarf, he's a dwarf)He's a dwarf! (he's a dwarf, he's a very dwarfy dwarf)He's a brute!He's hirsute!He's a gold-divining, silver mining, mountain hewing, master brewing dwarf!Raised in the echoes of majestic mountain hallsStories of his forefathers in runes upon the wallsTakes the precious bounty from the belly of the earthShapes it into artifacts of vast power and great worthCHORUSPiles his plate with comestibles, and eats just like a horseDrinks like a Caledonian, and sings just like the NorseQuaffs horns of honey mead, then downs a yard of ale(Compared to a human, that's a yard and a half, to scale)CHORUS

13.

Jacob ploughed the whale roadHis first love was the angry seaCasting his nets in the mounting swellUntil he met a mermaid called CecilyCHORUSShe was a mermaid, but the other way roundHalf woman, half fish, but in reverseDon't judge another by the love that they foundLove being blind can be a curseLegs of a ladyBody of a codEyes of a haddockAnkles of a godJacob and the irregular mermaidJacob hit a storm surgeMast broken and far from portA wave sucked him clean off the boatBut he was saved by a mermaid of a different sortCHORUSJacob tried to woo herBut no flowers in oceans can be foundSo he reeled her in with mealwormsAnd a tiny little castle she could swim aroundCHORUSJacob married CecilyTo each other their lives devoteHer fins had no fingers so there was no ringHe just laid a pearl necklace around her throatCHORUSJacob lost his CecilyAfter seven years she filed for divorceShe fell for a topsy-turvy centaurWith the legs of a human and the torso of a horseCHORUS

14.

This is a song that tells of the death of my dadHe was cut down in battle, but I'm not sadHe was a hero and I am proud to bear his nameAnd one day I hope to share in his glory and fameCHORUSYou fought to your last breath, and you watched as the valkyries flew,And daddy, when I grow up I want to be dead, just like youDaddy when I last saw you I was sat on your kneeWhen they carried you away, they left part of your leg with meYou said "keep your head in the chin in the air keep your feet on the ground"But they buried you quickly and got it the other way roundCHORUSI don't want to put on my 'jamas and head off to bedI want to drink twelve horns of mead and get out of my headI don't want to go to school and learn how to rhymeI just want to go to the Valhall and have a good punch upCHORUSI'll head off to battle and lay down my young Norscan lifeI can't lift your sword but I found your old fruit peeling knifeI don't have the reach to strike at men's heads or their heartsBut by Loki they'd better watch out for their sensitive partsCHORUSI want to be riddled with arrows and fall to my knees, just like youI want to die on top of a pile of my dead enemies, just like youI want to die howling defiance and cursing my foes, just like youI want to see pieces of my brain drip out through my nose, just like youI want to feel my life force draining through deep tissue cuts, just like youI want to get stabbed in my stomach and spill out my guts, just like youI want to be choking on blood when I swear my last vow, just like youI want to be smothered in chocolate and fed to the drow, just like you

15.

Everyone knows that the Norscan Royals are scary, And every full moon the Odinsheim palace gets hairy, The Norscans don't mind 'cause they think that it's kind of a bonus, That the man with the Crown is quite hard to put down thanks to Lunas. CHORUSAnd so they don't complain, About the smells and the hairs and the stains, But there's one thing on which everyone agrees... He can lick his own plums and sniff other chaps' bums But a Wolf Prince should never have fleas.A Wolf Prince should never have fleasA Wolf Prince should never have fleasHe can lick his own plums and sniff other chaps' bums But a Wolf Prince should never have fleas. Queen Kara's boudoir is a showroom of ceiling to floor chintz, The maids all work hard to remove the wet patches and paw prints, A shapechanging Royal can be friendly and loyal, and unbloodstained, If you keep scratching his ears and keep feeding him beers he stays housetrained CHORUSWhile we sit at the table they eat from a bowl on the floor, With those puppy-dog eyes they whimper and beg for some more, They go out and chase sticks, and occasionally Bricks or just peasants, And when the man on the throne tries to bury his bone it ain't pleasant. CHORUS

16.

This song has been passed by the Norscan Song ComissionIt's wholesome and it's pleasant and it's clean,And when we applied for Wolf song permissionWe changed anything spiteful or mean.This song takes account of the needs of minoritiesWe wanted to show how much we caredSo the words are nice and easy, for those with low abilitiesLOUD AND SLOW FOR THE HEARING IMPAIRED.Everything is wonderful, everyone is great,Squeakies are fantabulous, the drow are just first rate,The command group are infallible, diplomacy's divine,There's Nothing To Complain About and that's The Official LineThis song respects a woman as a valued equal being,Not an object of lustful desire,And why have controversy when we could be all agreeing,And the bards could be preaching to the choir.This song rejects enthralling as a form of cruel oppression,That no barbarian horde should condone,So let's all free the workers and we'll make a good impression,'Cause we can clean the toilets on our own.Everything is marvellous, everyone is nice,Lycanthropes are the Chosen Race, The Queen is without viceFree expression's treasonous, censorship is fine,Things Can Only Get Better and that's The Official LineThis song believes in peaceful means of conflict resolutionAnd forging lots of ploughshares out of swords,'Cause gentlemen from Forinjar make a valid contributionAnd it's wrong to help ourselves to treasure hoards,This song accepts that faith is multi-denominationalNo matter to which ancestor you pray,They don't need spears or hammers to be fully operational,And if they've got eight legs that's still OK.Everything is heavenly, everyone is cool,Kasimir's an idiot and Lester's just a fool,War is an atrocity, the troops should resign,Erdreja Is A Happy Place and that's The Official Line

released March 30, 2015

The Bricks are:
Thorkal Gudbardsson - Vocals, guitar, bass, recorder, “viking horn”
Lester Starcraft - Vocals, guitar, ukelele, trousers
Cassius - Vocals, mermaid wrangling

Also Featuring:
Redbeard, The Fuse Whisperer - Fiddle, bass
Irregular Flippersson - Drums, stunning box, cowbell, more cowbell, shaky egg
Don Nick of Scillyjar - Bodhran, tambourine
Stavros Eranti - Guitar solo on “All The Boys”, gypsy widdling on “Holidays In Graecia”
Swein Hundsson as “a dog”

Recorded, mixed & mastered by Dusty Potsson at Drow & Wight Studio, Kernowjar
Actually recorded, mixed & mastered by Brendan McGreal at Black & White Studio, Cornwall
Additional recording by Justin French and Stephen McGreal
Produced by Stephen McGreal

Thorkal’s stunt double: Neil Albrechtsen
Lester impersonator: Stephen McGreal
Cassius’s evil twin: Sammo Pinney
Redbeard appears courtesy of Neil Mcmahon
Flippersson puppeteered by Flip Wilkes
Don Nick’s secret alter-ego: Nick Lishman
Stavros’ trained monkey: Tim Lewis
Swein Hundsson phys. repped by Ozzy Ozkins

Cover art by Ian Bowden
Graphic design by David “Zaphod” Moss
Photography by Nick Lishman
Photo editing by Hamish Frater

Special thanks: Anni Albrechtsen, Charley Downey, Ben Harris, Hutch, Dan Keating-Roberts, Ashley Liddell, Jack McGreal, Su Wainwright, Katherine Wheatley, and the Kickstarter backers.

Visit www.thebricksbards.co.uk for lyrics, chords, and full Kickstarter credits.

To the memory of Leon Vickers. Coffee in one hand, cigarette in the other, about to put his boots on.